It's that time of the year again.

 

I'm not sure if it's a good thing, but recent events have just almost all pointed to me being this stoic/stouthearted/stern/strong iron-maiden like figure. Well I'm OK with being a judgmental pragmatist. I'm clearly not very good at tolerating those who can't quickly make decisions, see things straight, or deal with their "feelings" and "issues"; yet I thought I already intentionally lower my expectations for most people...

 

So the end result is I'm a little scared that I'm turning into (or at least being perceived as) one of those no-nonsense, fakely well-mannered "older" women in a fashionable power dress with their lips permanently curled in a semi-friendly smile while a little frown sits on their forehead saying they've seen many things and they've just seen through you and weighed you up and down. It doesn't mean they can't be nice people......

 

Anyway, I'm a month late for LP's new album, Minutes to Midnight. Listening to it was like seeing an ex from years back changed his job, put on some weight but is doing alright. You're somewhat embarassed by the memories brought back by the accidental reunion, but couldn't help finding out more about what he's been up to.

 

Mike Shinoda is turning 30 this year. I guess he's done some pretty solid stuff for someone of that age. Then again 30 isn't that young, when I think about it that's just a bit over 10 years ahead for me. Fuck only 10 years!! I'll have to do all the corporate climbing family building money laundering reproducing etc human stuff in the meantime. Humans live such short lives. Short, insignificant lives. No matter what happens to you the world will just keep spinning...which isn't that bad; but then it's not just you; you know Big Brother will still be on TV tomorrow even if you drop a nuke in the middle east tonight (then again even if the nuke is dropped inside the house the show will still be pretty much the same).

 

Had intense talk with mum about the recent Chinese stock market crash. She had some self-defensive denial issues. Then had to go on a hectic last minute library trip through the deadly quagmire that is St John's Oval for an Investments book. The irony. So at the end of the day I deserved that hour's break watching the SBS documentary on Indira Gandhi. Don't you just love political assassinations? The possibilities...

 

Well if one day I start my own cult of personality and become a "people's dictator", I will also be indifferent about dying in my bed or dying standing up. I guess it's not that bad being the no-nonsense well-mannered "mature" woman. It's not that bad if a few people are mildly afraid of you. In fact a reign of terror sounds pretty damn good to me... We all know what happens to dictators, however charismatic they are. But I will borrow LP's lyrics here: "the only thing that's worse than one is none".

- GNARLS BARKLEY.

 

- 300.

 

- Red wine masks.

 

- Hoping for the job at Marie Stopes.

 

- Capital allocation of assets and optimal portfolio selection.

 

- Skipping dinner.

 

- Julian's baby photos.

 

- Eunuch porn.

 

- Fantasising about the blonde hair dye and bellybutton ring in 12 months.

 

- Scottish Fold and Manx.

 

- Decorating my room with a red and purple theme.

 

- Cheesecake and papaya.

Despite my possibly eternal affection for my high school group of friends, my time in high school had been filled with private unhappiness, and to some extent 1st year uni had also been obscure.

 

I guess that is the price one must pay for escaping the education system for 2 years by skipping ahead gayly--I just wasn't "old" enough to understand so many things.

 

Jackson my beloved student has successfully graduated from high school. On his blog I read the numerous tributes that go out to all his friends. I've never grown up with a particular group of friends. Apart from maybe one or two, most of my current friends would never be able to say "I remember what cat did in year 7..." 

 

I guess that is the price one must pay for moving around so much--it makes you grow up faster, but like all drugs that speed things up there are side effects.

 

But this year it had all been different. It has been the year of many "firsts"--most of them caused by the fact (previously unknown to me) that I've always lived a versatile but sheltered life. By chance I moved into Darlington House, and by chance it has made 2006 the year with most happy days. When living independently is mixed with having to bond with strangers, friendship was not the first on my wish list; yet the art of making "different" friends and reflecting upon oneself during the process was to become the greatest personal development I achieved this year. You just know there are so much more to a friendship when arguing about who hasn't done the dishes in the sink, making fruitfly traps together, doing each other's face and talking about life and death culture and conflict family and lovers day and night drunk and sober.

 

Every unit has a unique dynamic derived from various personalities. Combined, Darlington House also has a unique dynamic that is sometimes subtle and sometimes dramatic, but always, always, down to earth. Its humour and wisdom are embedded in daily routines, protecting us yet pushing us out into the real world.

 

From the over-the-top, introverted, pretentious, frank, cool, intelligent, lazy, silly, odd, psychopathic, multicultural individuals residing at Darlington House, what I've learnt was not only binge drinking, but also new understandings of money, family, confidence, materialism, body image, sportsmanship, relationship and friendship. Each person tells a different story and through their harmony and conflicts they weave a picture of the reality--which can be so divorced from the homogenous compound of those in the legal profession--the variety that is the true Australian identity.

 

Like most people, I will be moving on from Darlington House. But a small part (or small parts) of me will always be with it--oh you know what I'm talkin about. Thank you and gluck Harry, Brice, Tess, Emma, Big Andrew, Janelle, Kwan-san, Bronnie, Punit, Hazel, Rhys, Myriam, Ben, Angy, Dennis, Johnno, Chris, Aaron, Nick, Lucy, Eileen, Helen, Amy C, Tim, Luke, Andrew, Julian, Ankit, Kate, Katerina, Ash, Sal, Martha, Han, Julia, Tom, Rob, Josh, Harry No.1, Evan, Grace, Rihannon and Amy F: I owe you all a year of fantastic memories and hard as it is to believe, I love you all in different ways.

 

 

Julia, am I melodramatic enough for your taste this time around?

SMART JUICE, Sara Lee apple & raspberry pie, dancing to the most relaxing and beautiful love sounds!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sweet sweet taste of endorphin leaves all your worries behind~

(self) Love is what makes one natural high s2

"The calculus of pain and pleasure produces an equilibrium at a higher level of price."

--Jeremy Bentham

 

The other day I ate a chocolate. As it melted in my mouth I felt the familiar sweetness spreading on my tongue. My brain told me that this sensation was enjoyable.

 

The other day I took a pill. As my stomach acid dissolved it and my stomach lining absorbed it into my veins, I felt myself coming up, higher, higher. My brain was trying to tell me how good it was, but I didn't need it. It could've been inside my skull, but it may as well not have been. I loved my brain, I loved the world, I loved you.

 

So you see, no one is in any position to blame anyone else for their greediness. We are weak against the sensation of love. How can anything that feels so good hurt you? The craving for joy is insatiable, be it the joy of carnal satisfication, vicious revenge, a good night's sleep or the touch of a cool hand on burning skin.

 

I just danced and took my clothes off and danced and took more clothes off and danced until my heels bled onto the floor. I touched the floating laser beams and my hands were burnt. I touched my forehead and it was soaked in sweat but I felt nothing, no heat, no pain. Someone offered me water and I sipped and watched the liquid flow slowly down my throat. Someone came and kissed me on the mouth and I felt their tongue melt inside mine and I held onto them as if they were a giant piece of chocolate, as if they were the only thing I had in life. Someone asked, isn't life just fan-fucken-tastic? I just nodded like those puppy toys in cars.

 

I just want to feel it again, and higher, again, and higher, and again. I just want it to last forever.

 

One day you'll see. There are no real predators baby, only you and me. We planted our poppy seeds, we bought our own syringes. Those who condemn us, if only they knew the pleasure we knew, those fucken cowards, they would be just as bad as we are. Just as good. Can you imagine what that would be like? If a whole society is on heroin...it'll be...fan-fucken-tastic.

 

---------------------------

 

I know bloggin on this interval is no longer acceptable lol, but see for yourself the effect of crim assignment on me. As always, I identify with thy victims (include the little guy who broke in and stole my shit. Oh I over empathise. Property theft, let me tell u all about its connection with drug dependence...). If ever your stereotypical evil high level drug dealer can be distinguished, hear this: YOU SHOULD ALL, LIKE SEX OFFENDERS, ROAST NICELY ON A STICK IN HELL. For the rest of you, please rehabilitate. There's nothing harder than that, but you just gotta do it don't ask me why.

 

Well it IS 1am, I'm tired and sick enough to want to visit the docs tmr. I need to get a plane ticket, do my tax, start an essay, tell a boy I'm never gonna see him again because this is what is meant for us, and eat mooncakes with somebodies.

 

Ciao to all you pretty ones out there. Sweet dreams America! I mean...

While Crim paints a longlasting trail of terror and suffering, my life in the midsem break has become more colourful and abstract than a Van Gough.

 

The recent string of events had compelled me to wonder, with fresh insights, the reason why people fall for each other. It seems more and more like a matter of scientific probabilities, resembling the chances of pregnancy:

    1) Put two relatively matching individuals together, alone, in the same room repeatedly over a substantial period of time. No matter how innocent their original intentions, how pure their friendship, it evolves into "something more";

Alternatively:

    2) Release a recently singled person on their old flame, preferrably now already with new partner; given enough dosages of rebound, add tiny potions of jealousy and regret--Viola! Flame rekindled.

 

And the results of our harmless experiments: for those with hormones raging in their systems, a partner of their dreams/brought by an Angel/miracle/God/destiny etc is really just chosen after a combination of random timing, convenience in locations, sufficient communication and several drops of external factors e.g. the rebound effect/the "exotic" effect/horniness/peer encouragement/alcoholic influence.

 

Hence "love" is merely a physio-psychological reaction that ebbs and flows, flexible and capable of being extended to a million different people, dubbed by periods of immense emptiness/freedom. Its really not very different from animals' need to hump each other during mating seasons.

 

I know I'm just getting it too good right now. But I just can't help being cynical. I truly understand why animals are not meant to be monogamist now. Polygamy rules!

Lately I often found myself in situations that feel as if they have happened, or could only have happened, in either strange dreams or the days long past where I let things take me wherever they want.

 

Amid the exams/assignments/shits to do, I feel secretly different. Almost too unusual and active for my mundane world of trivialities. 
 

I guess it was partly because I started writing again, and partly because of the rain. Sometimes I am unable to differentiate between the characters and myself, the world therein and the real world around me.

 

It's almost as if...that solitude, that unique sense of desolation characteristic of singlehood has crept up on me yet again, albeit the fact that I am well looked after and gratified. Almost stable enough to risk a peek into the "future", but not quite. Maybe that is why I am feeling these. Disbelief. Reluctance. Anxiety. Insecurity.

 

So I wander with no particular destination, listen to random music, visit museums alone, talk to my darling Catty down the road, read Albert Camus and George Orwell, set out to observe the crowd and strike up convos with semi-strangers. Home on the other hand seems surreal. I've befriended or re-befriended people who don't know my life very well, so that there are only abstract exchanges of thoughts and fantasies. Their curiosity frightens and excites me. I almost feel that I am letting them on. To what though? I am afraid of the resemblance to the beginning of the year, because I know things have changed and if it ever happens again it would be much, much worse.

 

I step into the puddles in my black boots, away from things and people I've come to love. I feel content yet empty. Young, mature, narcissistic, philanthropic, vulnerable, empowered.

 

Omnipotent and free. And very, very afraid.

I want to know how it'll end.
I want to be sure of what it'll cost.
I want to strangle the stars for all they promised me.
I want you to call me on your drug phone.
I want to keep you alive

so there is always the possibility of murder later.

I want to be there when you learn the cost of desire.
I want you to understand that my malevolence is just a way to win.

I want the name of the ruiner.

 

I want matches in case I have to suddenly burn.
I want you to know that being kind is overrated.
I want to write my secret across your sky.

I want to watch you lose control.
I want to watch you lose.

I want to know exactly what it's going to take.
I want to see you insert yourself into glory.
I want your touches to scar me so I'll know where you've been.
I want you to watch when I go down in flames.

 

I want a list of atrocities done in your name.
I want to reach my hand into the dark and feel what reaches back.

I want to remember when my nightmares were clearer.
I want to be there when your hot black rage rips wide open.
I want to taste my own kind.
I want to be wrapped in cold wet sheets to see if it's different

on this side.
I want you to come on strong.
I want to leave you out in the cold.
I want the exact same thing... but different.
I want some soft drugs.. some soft, soft drugs.

 

I want to throw you.
I want you to know I know.

I want to know if you read me.
I want to swing with my eyes shut and see what I hit.
I want to know just how much you hate me so I can predict what you'll do.
I want you to know the wounds are self-inflicted.
I want a controlling interest.
I want to be somewhere beautiful when I die.
I want to be your secret hater.
I want to stop destroying you but I can't.
And I want and I want and I want.
And I will always be hungry.

 

And I want

And I want

And I want

不知为何在熬夜赶crim law的压力下, 突然很想爸爸妈妈和家里人.

 

很白目地似乎是第一次发现, 即使和老公再相爱, 朋友又再亲密, 小日子过得再好, 也不能替代一直以来有意无意忽略的家人的欠缺.

 

也是因为爸爸快要来了吧? 最近每每梦到回国, 胡同和小摊什么的. 白天总是特别的忙, 而且有时不知道在忙些什么. 今天就这样忙啊忙的, 才想起马上就是妈妈生日了. 前两天还记得牢牢地, 转眼就忘了. 又觉得, 哎呀, 过得真快. 

尽管如今"家"的概念早已抽象了...就在今天夜里, 用愈发变调的中文写:

 

很想回家去.

 

 

 

嗯, 祝亲爱的妈妈生日快乐, 天天笑眯眯^_^ 比现在更爱我! 还要一年比一年美~! (虽然早就根本不用更美了...也其实不用更爱我了哇哈哈哈)

I never really knew how difficult it is to open one's mouth and spill out bad things that had happened to you, or why it is that some people have problems that are absolutely not private in any nature but still don't ask for help...guess what, one more lesson learnt.

 

The best thing about having my apartment broken into and "stuff" stolen was that I'd lost about four kilos in a week...sadly the weight is gaining back fast.

 

If you'd like to know my life story I can tell you the entire drama fluently and with emotion, studded with some of the most filthest swearwords that exist in the english language. But two weeks of dealing with red tapes, inefficiency and bloating with rage on a daily basis later, I sit in front of the laptop a family friend lent me temporarily, try to ignore the fact that my room is still a scene of crime, that special consideration for my ibus assignment is as elusive as hope itself, that stuvac begins in three days and that fate as it is has finally left its mark (fucken 18 years later) on my face. I don't know if that pink crater of burn scar on my right cheek will ever go away. Julian's calling me Scarface atm but I won't ever leave him alone if no one else wants me.

 

I just knew something majorly bad would have happened before I turn 18. That's what you get for being born in the middle of exam periods and crying through your entire 17th birthday.

 

It's funny that since Britney sang it I never thought twice about the cheesy concept of being "strong-er". So I cried my guts out on the phone to my parents coz I just want them to be here, broke down after walking out of a conversation where my lecturer's er, absolute lack of compassion, hit home, and just couldn't go on after spending entire days juggling between chasing police, treating my wound, writing more appeal letters and essay until 3am. But you just fucken get on with it.

 

I only truly started feeling the impact when Julian said, nobody can just get on with it, but you can because you are strong and you have us.

 

I know that without Unit 9 and Julian I would never live long enough to see them catch the motherfucking piece of shit. The girls did everything they could for me, which was so much more than I'd ever ask for. Julian was the one who stayed up the entire night looking after me, corresponding with the police with me, changing my icepacks for me, and when we had two major assignments, one laptop and one desk between us, he was the one who kept me workin calmly and permitted me to practically spend his time and live in his immediate surroundings 24/7. Yeah we both got sick of the shitty arrangement in the end and fought like cat and dog, and sometimes I hate that fucken scumbag so bad for making us suffer like this I just can't help being a crybaby, but we lived through it all together.

 

So what is the thought-provoking moral of the story at the end of the day? I got to reflect on all the "sufferings" I've "endured" in my short and insignificant life, got a taste of the "real-world" all by myself, got to miss my parents a great deal, got to feel huge upheavals of opposite emotions (like a rollercoaster YEAH), got one true lover and many true friends, and finally got to see Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's new baby photos.

 

Maybe I occasionally hated democracy and human rights since they couldn't interrogate the asshole by pulling his nails out one by one, but I love you world.

 

High D, here I come!

Well really not di-stressing yet...still in stress stage.

 

NEGATIVE FREAKEN BETA consumed so much precious time of mine, i so could've gotten drunk with the girls thurs night! Instead i was the sober bystander later recounting everyone's moments of transcendency. And now it turned out that the negative beta is right...just have shit loads of extra justification to do. SIgh.

 

Anyhow, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAL!!! I feel so bad for not being able to go to your Canberra party with everyone, damn finance and ibus. (meaning im the only one home this weekend =( not that im here most of the time...=P) Tho i didnt exactly get er, much inspiration from alcohol with Julia & Han, our collective artistic effort was amazing (esp. when wiping paint on each other's faces). V impressed by affectionate fingerpaintings on huge canvases with lots of van gogh-isc heavy layers of colours. Watch out for the photo section!

 

In celebration of the affirmation of my negative beta, last night joined everyone following Tim & Kathryn's lead to Blink our popular goth venue! Juls & I having always had our inclinations (thx to Tim im nicely nurturing my love for H.I.M while Juls just like boring System and Ramms ahaha the irony) wouldnt miss the chance to lavish on costuming...damn I wish someone took a full-body shot of us in the club. Great sexy fun it was. lol Luke was hilarious! And Juls cooked great noodles and eggs for everyone when we got home =D

 

Eh. We felt the need to be good boy and girl today so dressed normally and will study together in Fisher lol. Oh the grand valuation of coca-cola amatil.

End of April was so full and hectic with important birthdays!

 

Julia's 18th + Julian's 18th + Hannah's 19th = lots of pressies, alcohol and partying!

 

Hmm...was great fun, but kinda dont want to revisit the alcohol bit...lol. Photos will gradually be put up once our lazy bum photographers connect their cams to their computers! Good news is parents finally gave me back my camera--its actually mum's since mine's still officially confiscated--so no more time lags since im in charge =P

 

Anyhow, been super paranoid about things lately. But everyone has been trying to put some reason into my head! Still scared...and watching horror movies with Julian doesnt make things any better -_- lol. Really really miss my parents at these times of distress...but cant always tell them wats going on! > <

 

Buuuut tried to do some finance, trying to go to more IBUS lectures and cleaned and washed both our rooms. Sigh. All good now.

Finally returned to Sydney today after a week in Orange and surrounding areas!

 

I must admit the lifestyle and people there were as "exotic" to me as I was to them. Thanks so much Juls for inviting me so generously--your family is as lovely as your estate! lol yes I spent days on Julia's Nyrang Homestead, a true vintage estate with two gorgeous cats whom everyone named different things and many other lovelies!

 

Thanks also to Myriam for hosting us at your farm and for your dad taking us for a ride in the rally car! Now that was a real burnout you easties boys would never be able to do around here lol. Everyone was lovely and the bonfire was just amazing (I mean, we burnt down a tree.)

 

In general lots of thoughts have gone to comparing and comprehending the differences--certainly not in wealth, but lifestyle. I know it is the biggest understatement of the year to call Orange a place with err "small town" mentality, due to how similar it is to just any other Sydney suburb with a junction, but the mentality is ultimately owed to the fact that it is cut off from neighbouring suburbs and major corporate crowds. The boys and girls from "the other side of the mountain" (quoting Juls =P) definitely had something else in them--(a lot) more precocious perhaps? :P

 

Since I have now drank and bathed in rain water (which was beautiful), ate organic food and fruits without washing or skinning them, walked around barefoot and experienced some of the best rural Australian people and things, I gotta say I totally understand why these people love their homes. And vice versa--I missed Sydney quite dreadfully and was thoroughly glad seeing the skyscrapers in the landscape and hearing foreign language spoken on the streets. Oh c'mon, this is my scene, at last something I can handle perfectly on my own lol.

 

Good things aside, did fuck all for uni work which does not help at all. Must study very hard for the next few days since the first week back will be packed with parties and err fun! ahem...so many birthday presents to buy......

 

Dad is currently happily cruising in Thailand (damn i wanna be there), mum endured the horrendous dust rain in Beijing (!) and I slept in my own bed today for the first time in a month lol. Julian's comin back Sat night absolutely can't wait (I just know I'll make a scene at the airport)! Well the week apart has proven to be good for us...but no more such separations! lol I'm perfectly happy with the err very domestic life we lead and Qld in July sounds like a brilliant idea lol.

 

Lots of catching up with Sydney people to do. So I bid you adieu until the photos are up (and be prepared!) ^^

Ok people here it goes, forty days of celibacy will end @ 8pm 8th of May.

 

I suppose at some point in one's life you have to stop reflecting and start taking actions. So I will re-learn how to say no, physically and emotionally. It's always so easy to let things go and so hard to then put them back into perspective, especially when your ego is so inflated and your old sense of morality almost reduced to nonexistence.

 

Somehow I hope this will save me. From what, I'm not really sure. But one thing that I do know is that taking control of myself will make me feel truly worthy again. And that is all I want right now.

Living without parents still frightens me, especially when running 38* fever for 48hrs while enjoying dehydration.

 

Four things learnt from Darlington House:   1) it is possible to go outside without makeup;

                                                                     2) goon is v. bad for you and i will never get drunk on it;

                                                                     3) i love you all girls and boys please look after me;

                                                                     4) FOOD >= life.

 

Oh actually theres a fifth thing...but i can do without.

 

Holiday mode ends week1! Or so i wish. I will study watch me.

 

Hugs and kisses go out to mum and dad & all my good friends you can crash here any time,

With the upcoming hectic weeks i've quit my job at sunglass hut...but bought really nice (and pricey-_-) Miu Miu sunnies on the last day of work muahaha!

 

Quit a few other things as well. Spent one night in the agony known as "numbness" before spending another half regretting being promiscuous in action.

 

I just despise the prospect of others viewing me as gullible--the humiliation is overwhelming. Strange how i enjoy degrading myself verbally but cant stand creating an impression as such...(ah the bizzare combination of feminism and misogny) I guess i can tolerate only self-admitted stupidity, not accused ones. Arrogant bitch.

 

Still v. anxious at times for no particular reason, but beginning to live out a refreshingly thin life. How one manages to feel "acceptance" in grisly situations still eludes me and probably always will. But i suppose "tranquility" can apply at all times.

 

Funny that at the end of the summer dropped down all the pounds I gained. Been spending rather conspiciously, but not out of control. yet. 

 

Its toilet scrubbing time again.

Worked full time for 3 days and went out 2 nights in a roll. Havent slept before 2am for a long while now.

 

Flat out from work, head furiously filled with ideas of quitting as more discontent towards capitalistic system accumulates.

 

Parents increasingly exasperated abt my impending independence. The general anxiety and imbalance b/w demand&supply is overwhelming at times.

 

Personal life, as usual, is not of any assistance. The complete lack of self-control and sense of morality is threatening friendships, endangering my safety and creating dreadful long-term consequences. I blame it allll on the failure to clear things up and settle things down with Mr Right-but-oh-so-wrong. Things wont get better till a balance is gained.

 

 

ps: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SERENA U KNOW I LOVE YOU MUAHAHAHA!!